Fansided

Usain Bolt’s soccer career will show us God’s favorite team

By Fernando DeVasques

BASEL, SWITZERLAND - MARCH 21: Jose Mourinho, Diego Maradona and Usain Bolt attend the Match of Friendship by Hublot at Baselworld on March 21, 2018 in Basel, Switzerland. (Photo by Alexander Scheuber/Getty Images For Hublot)
BASEL, SWITZERLAND - MARCH 21: Jose Mourinho, Diego Maradona and Usain Bolt attend the Match of Friendship by Hublot at Baselworld on March 21, 2018 in Basel, Switzerland. (Photo by Alexander Scheuber/Getty Images For Hublot) /
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We don’t mean Maradona, though he is D10S:

We hear that Usain Bolt practiced with Borussia Dortmund today, or it could be tomorrow.  Who knows?  What time is it in Germany, anyway?  Think about this: Usain Bolt is the fastest person known to man and now he is practicing with an elite German club.  I’m sure they wouldn’t just let him in without him showing some sort of soccer skills.  The prospect of Usain Bolt, though 31 years old, playing on the pitch makes me giddy.  The great Jose Mourinho told Usain Bolt that if he is serious about playing for Manchester United, then they could talk. This could go better than it did with that girl you met at the bar, it could get past the ‘talking’ stage.

While I await to receive and eat this manna from Heaven, my brain thinks what would happen if Usain joins a team that I don’t particularly root for.  We all know that God is a fan of soccer because He personally created it.  That’s why it’s the greatest sport ever in the history of sports.  How does one feel if He prefers the rivals?

Usain Bolt to Bayern Munich? Manchester United?

Borussia Dortmund won my heart over with their fantastic send off of Jurgen Klopp.  What a way to show a man appreciation for the work rendered.  That is something that shows God created soccer on the eighth day (it was left out of the cannon).  Their rivals, Bayern Munich, are known for buying Borussia’s best players just to mess with them.  How would it play if Usain is bought by Bayern?  That would mean God favors Munich, for some odd reason.  All BVB can do is hope that Usain Bolt makes no deal with who they consider the devil.

There is one team that I will go out and say I absolutely do not like and that’s Manchester United.  Their fans are flakes.  Sir Alex Ferguson spoiled this club during his reign.  I dare not even count how many trophies he won them because I don’t want to have an aneurysm–it’s been a lot.  Manchester United fans couldn’t even stand being at the middle of the table so they exiled David Moyes.  David had to carry so much on his shoulders and they didn’t even take that into consideration.   Usain is already playing footsies with Jose Mourinho, which he is at liberty to do.  If that comes to fruition, that would mean that God and I will be on opposite sides every weekend.  That means we’ve been on different sides all these years.

How is one to feel about that?

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